Thursday, April 28, 2011

Murphy's Law, AKA: Law of my Life

Some people have allergies, some people get sunburned easily, others have unruly cowlicks, but me, I have Murphy's Law. That's right. Good ole' Murphy. According to Wikipedia, Murphy's Law is defined as "an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: 'Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.'"

Sounds peachy as a way of life, huh? Ole' Murph is so annoying we have even considered (Read: I have considered) naming our first child Murphy in hopes that it will off-set this horrid luck. (Murphy Dangelico. Ick) But, alas, it would probably just end up in an epic, LOST-worthy catastrophe of remote desert islands, excessive nickname-calling and a ridiculously short, evil kidnapper with a God-complex.

The ways in which Murphy's Law plagues me include—but are not limited to—the following:
  • First year of being married, insane amount of money due on our taxes
  • Multiple gray hairs before 25 (Shout out to my mom who, whenever I comment on my grays, says: "You know, your grandfather was completely white by 25." Please note that the number gets closer and closer to my current age each time she mentions it.)
  • My job (Growing up in a rented farm house with no farm animals does not a cowgirl make.)
  • Tall, big hands AND big feet ('Nuff said. And none of that "at least you're proportional," shite)
  • Eight-kids, poor parents (Sorry Mom.) (You know the song "Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat?" -Aristocats Well, just think of it this way: All my friends are cats. I'm a gargantuan mouse.)
  • Car repairs, always at the worst times
  • Elbow holes (THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST)
  • Fancy and expensive pizza stone breakage
  • Excessive sleepiness (I have managed to stay up until 12 exactly once in this new year, at least.)
  • Small teeth (See bullet number 4 = cruel combination)
  • Honeymoon FAIL (Including: Food poisoning and other undesirable illnesses, excessive buginess, overweight nude sunbathers and lack of AC/fan/a freaking breeze?)
  • Queso stain on my only white dress shirt (Cruel and unusual)
  • Coupons expiring the day before I want goto use them (ALWAYS)
and finally...the most-current whammy:
  • While trying to show a friend (Shout out to SJ!) how to to set-up an out-of-office reply, my email freaks out and sends an out-of-office reply to EVERY SINGLE EMAIL IN MY INBOX. What the? How is that even possible, right? (My boss got 100 emails. The DEPARTMENT HEAD GOT 47.) WHAAT?!
Someone please save me from the evil Murphy. Or just put me out of my misery. (Or just buy me a drink?)

P.S.: And, if, just if, you happen to be wondering what the little evil Murphy Dangelico might look like, Google has an answer for you. And (somehow, in God's name) this is what it came up with:

...I can totally see the resemblance.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

All By My Lonesome

"All by mah-sey-eeeelf, don't wanna be alllll by myyyyysaaaaalf, anymo'." -NOT Carly Simon, but Jamie O'Neil (covering an Eric Carmen original)

***Did I also forget to mention that I will be using this blog as a jumping-off point for my new one-line concert series: "The Classics, In Just One Line?"***

Editorial comment: A big shout-out to my mom for fact-checking me and pointing out that it was not, in fact, Carly Simon who ever even sang this song. O'Neil covered it in Bridget Jones' Diary (double shout-out to Steph for picking up on that). Needless to say, I will have to do some studying before going on tour...

OK, so, it has just been confirmed by sources closest to myself (me) that I will be all alone this whole weekend for the first time in many moons. Sure, I've spent the occasional night huddled in our big bed, surrounded by dogs and probably wide-eyed waiting for an intruder to break in, or maybe just spent the night dreaming about it, but I can't remember the last time I spent 2 1/2 days alone. Now, don't be silly, I will see people. I will most certainly pay a long-overdue ice cream visit to my main man down at the Shell station on the corner. He laughs at my Half-Baked ice cream, telling me Cherry Garcia is better, while trying to convince me to buy a lottery ticket. In addition, I will be helping some friends out on Saturday, and going to a wine festival on Sunday. OK, so...not really alone. But it sounds dramatic, and maybe makes you pity me about as much as you pity celebrities for being so rich that they can't, you know, like go out and "do stuff" like normal people, so I'll stick with it.

To recap: Me, bed full of dogs, being helpful, ice cream, creepy-yet-charming gas station attendant and wine will comprise my weekend.

Now, what else did I come here to say?

Oh. This sort-of-kind-of aloneness that will (not-really) plague me this weekend has spread to my work life. I am currently sitting in my teeny cubicle, and I don't hear anything. Not the annoying girl with the INSANELY pitchy laugh down the hall. Not my antagonistic coworker chiding the new guy. Not even the click of my boss shutting her door to shut the world out. Everyone is gone this week at the annual meeting of gunny minds of EPIC proportions in Pittsburgh, Pa. I won't go into it any further than that. So it's just me here holding down the E-Media fort with my black coffee and colored pens. Not only that, but the disturbing full-circle fact of it all is that, the reason I will be alone at home is because David will be in—that's right—Pittsburgh!!! this weekend, attending a funeral. (Tip-toeing away from sad/depressingness.)

Alternative tasks to keep me busy this lonely weekend include:
  • Clean our despicably dirty carpets (Thanks to 3 pooches, and my unsteady pouring hand)
  • Wash the car/vacuum out all of the dog hair and dirt (See above)
  • Buy new bed sheets
  • Paint a picture
  • Re-mulch the backyard
  • Start my novel
  • Brush the dogs' teeth
  • ...World peace?! (Miss. Congeniality, anyone?!)

In other news, I just got an email from a coworker with the subject line: "Breaking News." The body of the email reads: "A tornado watch has been issued for the region. ================." I imagine that the dashed lines that follow the brief, but important, sentence are like the typed version of those beeps that always follow a statement from the Emergency Broadcast System. (Nice touch, fella'.) So, after all, maybe I will be spending the weekend in a bathtub with the doggies, or maybe huddled in a bomb-shelter with strangers, or maybe I'll get lucky and spend it like this:

Please, GOD, let it be option #3!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Have I mentioned here before that I have a tendency to get discouraged and bored of things quickly? Well, tis true. But in an effort to revamp this very neglected blog and reawaken the writing spark within me, I have given the old girl a bit of a makeover. I may have gone a bit overboard in the "girly" department, but thankfully, I am a girl, so we're all good there. (In other news: how many times can I say "girl" in one breath? Oy)

How will I force myself to write more, you few followers ask?

Well, the answer is simple, but following through with it is not. The pen-and-ink answer is that I have expanded the purpose of this blog—even if just within the realm of my own mind. I am attempting to take away the stage fright I feel each time I log on, by lightening the mood (and look) and opening up the conversation. Not every post has to be poetic, or meaningful...or include something about my family. (Guilty as charged.) For the first time in a very long time, if ever in my life, I have time on my hands, time to kill, nothing to wear and nowhere to be. So, in the best possible sense, I plan to wallow, wander aimlessly, make a big fuss about some of the more beautiful things in this world—-oh, and likely, very likely, tell some bad jokes here and there. With such a winning recipe—from now on will we ALWAYS think of Charlie Sheen when we hear "winning?"—I cannot go wrong; I will surely devote more time and passion to my girl. A big part of it may, in fact, include me referring to my blog as "my girl" from now on.

So, what do you say? Same place, same time next week?—er, tomorrow? (I think I can, I think I can.)

I hope you will enjoy my future ramblings of all things-Lia: cooking, eating, puppies, not-exercising, talking too much, fashion, relationships, flowers, politics, forgetting to brush my dogs' teeth everyday, books, film, music, decorating and much much more.

See you on the other side!