Monday, November 21, 2011
Everything is different now.
I am unprepared for the sights, sounds, moods of the season. I sprinted through summer, was jolted by a lovely Florida vacation at the end of it, then got slammed by fall's indecision—warm days blended with cold, windy, rainy ones—never knowing what I'd get on any given day. All the while I was buried—whether it was during weekly work hours or on weekend time—mentally stuck under the stack of articles waiting on my desk, the never-ending to do list that got new additions by the hour.
Now we are four days out from Thanksgiving. And I'm not ready. Not ready to tie up loose ends at work as best as I can and let it all go for a four-day weekend. Not ready to pack up my bags and head over the mountain. Not ready to cook and scramble for hours, to trek over to my Great Uncle's and see 50+ family members waiting to hug and catch up. I'm not ready.
I'm not in the mood. I want to hibernate until winter is over. Hide under pillows and blankets dark and heavy enough to keep all of the light out—at least for a while.
It's not the holidays themselves—I love them. I love the cheerfulness, the togetherness, the decorations, the traditions. It's not my family—I'm obsessed with them, and I miss them dearly. It's not even money or lack there of—because it's not about that.
It's that I don't feel thankful.
I feel tired, overwhelmed, annoyed, unbalanced, unavailable, preoccupied. I know I am beyond blessed, but I am stuck in this I'm-not-ready-yet mindset. I just need some more time. I wish I could make time slow down—give me some of my weekend back, give me some of my morning back, and maybe I'll be fine. Give me back a month until Thanksgiving, two months until Christmas, and that just might do the trick.
I don't want to phone in another holiday. It's not worth it. It's not fair. But with the ability to adjust, adapt, I've lost the ability to psyche myself up at a moment's notice. There is no pep to be found in my step, there is no silver lining to spot with vision so foggy. So I go back to basics, the way I was raised. I go back to pen to paper, to pushing until some magic happens, to laying in the dark counting my blessings to bring on sleep.
I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is also my best friend. I'm thankful for a supportive and loving family. I'm thankful for my sweet dogs. I'm thankful for my job because even though it brings me down, it still puts food on my table and provides for my family. I'm thankful for my friends who listen to me and encourage me, and make me laugh. I'm thankful for my church and all of the ways it lifts me up. I'm thankful for Diet Cokes and corny jokes that help get me through the day. I'm thankful for my country—even when it lets me down so much that I ache inside. I'm thankful for people who believe in something so much that they're willing to stand out in the cold in protest for it. I'm thankful for warm socks that don't have holes in the toes. I'm thankful for unexpected shopping trips with my mom. I'm thankful for picture messages of my beautiful younger siblings. I'm thankful for an iron and an ironing board reviving the homemaker in me. I'm thankful for basic human compassion. I'm thankful for women who wear the pants. I'm thankful that books are back "in." I'm thankful for good health. I'm thankful for women and men who have the courage to serve in the armed forces that protect our country. I'm thankful for caller ID. I'm thankful for free coffee. I'm thankful for the amazing bloggers who give me a sneek peek into their lives and provide so much inspiration. I'm thankful for people who take a stand for the health of their families and maintain healthy diets and active lifestyles. I'm thankful for our humble abode. I'm thankful for soft tissues. I'm thankful for anything edible that involves pumpkin or sweet potato. I'm thankful for honesty, even when it hurts. I'm thankful for nervous/excited butterflies. I'm thankful for comfortable heels. I'm thankful for my faith. I'm thankful for photographs and how they sometimes capture memories better than a person can. I'm thankful Colin Firth was born. I'm thankful for unexpected kindness. I'm thankful for the ever-present hope inside me that keeps me from ever totally giving up, from believing the worst, that I'm not worth more, because it keeps me going with the promise that there is something bigger out there. Something better.
All l I have to do is stop comparing, dwelling, obsessing, complaining all the time, and just live for today, and then tomorrow, next month, at the start of the new year—go find it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I have been preoccupied with thangs. Work thangs. Cute husband thangs. Dogs up all night thangs. Friends being happy thangs. Other thangs. I'm done saying thangs now.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
On September 4th, 2010, I married my best friend. Now, almost a year later, I can’t believe how much we have grown. How could I have made the leap then without knowing what I know now? Love gives you a confidence that is unparalleled. When talking to my dad about marrying Lia, he told me never to forget that love is not one person giving 50 percent and the other giving 50 percent, it’s both of you giving 100 percent. Now that I look back on our first year, I realize that he was absolutely right, and that the only person who I would be able to do that with was indeed Lia.
Marriage is a bizarre thing. So many books, movies and songs deal with the subject matter, though nothing can really prepare you for it. No self-help book can teach you how to be a good husband or wife. No movie can unlock the secrets of a man’s mind. No song can teach what is in a woman’s heart. These things are learned from experience and experience alone. Everyone is different in his or her own strange and beautiful way. On September 4th, 2010, I had no idea what I was getting into. All that I knew was that I wanted to get into it with Lia.
As a kid growning up in Wilmington, NC, I always tried to picture who my wife would be. Some famous person I assumed (because, of course I would be famous as well). We would live in New York or LA, I would be making movies, and she would either be acting in them or working on her singing career. Life would be awesome because we would be loaded rich doing crazy things. I would have an enormous swimming pool in the backyard and have a convertible parked in the driveway. It would be perfect, the life of my dreams.
But I got something better. I got Lia, the most real, honest, funny, and smartest person I have ever met. We are not famous; we get to eat our humble dinners by ourselves without being bothered. We don’t have an enormous house in which we would get lost and hardly see each other, we have a modest townhouse with one couch that is just slightly too small for both of us to lie down on (even though we do anyway). I don’t have a lavish car in the driveway, I have a car that is just slightly unreliable, thus forcing us to share a car at least once a month and carpool to work. My life is not the life of my boyhood dreams, but it is most certainly perfect, and I would not choose any other.
They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, which excites me to no end. Sure our first year had its fair share of disagreements, maybe even a fight or two. But overall, it has been the best year of my life. And they say it is just going to get better? Well then I’m gonna say something that will most certainly make Lia roll her eyes:
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A little distraction does a body good, and more than ever I've been needing a mental break from the craziness that's been going on at work. It's all I think about, dream about, worry (and therein get pimples) about. Mama needs a break.
Dear Key West: See you in one week and two days. Love, Lia
Since I still have one solid work week between me and vacation, I decided to put together a lil' list of my Top 5 most romantic TV/movie scenes EVER for some fun. And oh, did I have fun. I was inspired by 1.) PW's amazing TV romances post and by 2.) my own insanity, including doing Harry's moan from "When Harry Met Sally" for at least half of my ride home from work today.
Here goes nothing, my people (in no particular order):
1. "Well then... your hands are cold."
I think that I thought I was the kind of woman who didn't like modern remakes of classic romantic dramas until I saw a remake of a classic romantic drama like "Pride and Prejudice" (2005). Everything about this movie is lovely: the cinematography, the clothing (swoon), the men (NOT the trollish cousin), the dances. I die for Darcy. There is nothing that wins my heart like a tall, dark and seemingly cold man.
My little sisters made me watch this movie in bed one weekend when I was home visiting from college, and I think we laid in bed and watched it at least 3 times in a row. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. There is no swoon like the swoon I succumb to during the final scene in which, just as the sun begins to rise, the figures of Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet emerge from a lush, dense fog and confront one another and the love between them. It is sweet, innocent, passionate, honest, raw and beautiful—and I love it.
2. "It was enough."
If you're not a "LOST" fan, well, first: I'm sorry and second: You won't really get this, but if you have a pulse it will still make you cry?
"LOST" is such a romantic show to me for many reasons—the main one being that David introduced (read: forced) me to the show, and the experience of watching it with him was very special.
This scene is from an episode called "The Constant," in which Desmond (one of the people stranded on the island) is finally able to contact his long, lost love Penny by phone. They are fragile, confused, broken, scared, but never more in love. Many years have passed since their last contact and it's very apparent that their love is what keeps them afloat. I get chills as soon as they begin to speak.
My favorite part of the whole thing takes place right after the phone connection goes dead and Desmond realizes their conversation is over. He turns to the man who set up the call, Sayid, who immediately apologizes that the call was cut short. So naturally, gently, thankfully, Desmond simply replies "It was enough." After years, across oceans, a one minute conversation was enough for him.
Couldn't find an embed-able video, but here it is on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCmLg3omWVE&feature=related
(Watch it if you know what's good for ya.)
3. "I was gonna get these to you."
In my many, many (24) years on Earth, I have discovered a simple fact: A lady is either into "Sex and The City" or not.
I am the former.
In the interest of full disclosure, I guess you could call me a "Sex and the City" fiend. I have the entire series, and I even have both a DVD and a Blu Ray of the first movie. I love all of it—except the 2nd movie. I'm sorry, but, just, NO.
The show is a journey, and the movie picks right up where the show leaves off. I eat it up. I love how even once the fairy tale of Carrie & Big has been tied up in a bow in the show, the movie puts them back through the ringer. That's real life. And, call me a sap, but the gut-wrenching heartache that Carrie and Big experience in the movie is perfectly presented by SJP and Chris Noth. They are the bomb.
It would be unfair for me not to tell you that I am also a Team Big girl. That will never ever change.
This scene moved and still moves me in ways I can barely explain. Maybe it's the swelling music, maybe it's the restoring of faith, maybe it's just two simple characters that I have been rooting for for so long finally getting what they really want.
You invest all this time and energy and tears in these characters and they become like family. If you think I'm a freak, you don't watch good enough TV. (Or maybe I am just a freak.)
Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQEHtGdq1mE
4. "It's gonna be OK."
Did you know that this post is really just all about me? You did? SWELL.
I die for Ben Affleck. I love him. I will even say that while "Gili" is playing in any and every home in America. He is smart, tender, kind, funny—and that smile. Lord, give me strength. I luff the man. Do you believe me yet?
Therefore, unsurprisingly, (and because it was a great movie) I loved "He's Just Not That Into You." Fun cast, great acting, clever writing, I was into it 100 percent.
All of the couples in this movie are great, but of course the one with Jen Anniston and Ben makes my heart melt.
They have broken up and haven't seen each other in a while. Jen is in pieces dealing with her father's recent heart attack and the chaos that stemmed from that. She is needing him more than ever, and just like that—he shows up for her. I cry, cry, cry so hard and it's not even the romantic scene most would think.
But a man showing up for his woman when she needs him most, is there anything more attractive than that??
Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHu1WxQ7tBU
5. "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible."
Surprise! (Not.) It's the final scene from "When Harry Met Sally" when silly ole' Harry finally comes to his senses and runs—I squeal at his little legs moving so fast—to find Sally on New Years Eve and proclaim his love to her. I love the running, I love the out-of-breath-ness, I love her hair and neckline (I'm weird), I love the writing and how it gives me chills all over and makes me cry every, every time. This is the kind of stuff I grew up on, so David, if you're reading this you can point to movies/scenes such as this one as the reason I say things like "Whyyyy can't you be more romannntic?"
Heartfelt, poetic, honest, sweet, funny—here is Harry's final speech:
"Harry: Well how about this way. I love that you get cold when it's seventy one degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts, I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.
Sally: You see, that is just like you Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry... I really hate you. I hate you."
(She doesn't at all, not one bit.)
Now you tell me your favorite romantic scenes, OK? OK! Go!
P.S: David would like me to add "the most romantic scene according to men." He would like to say that: "this is the epitome of romantic cool." Whatever the hell that means.