Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I'm Sorry. I Can't. Don't Hate Me.

I'm horrible at keeping up with this thing. Despite my desire to write daily, I always feel that I'm coming up short with things to say. I'm always too worried it will seem contrived or pathetic. In summation: If I would just write as much as I think, I'd be golden.

change, verb, to make or become different. (A proposal to change the law.)

So, it's been a while. The days slide by and things change, but thankfully my Grandmother is still with us. Thanksgiving this year was definitely the most memorable of my life, as over fifty of my family members gathered at my Uncle's house for a full day of food, music and catching up. It was so calming to see my Grandmother swaying in a soft two step with one of her brothers, their cheeks red and wet with tears. This year I am overwhelming thankful for family, as dramatic and crazy as it may be. I'm thankful for the comfort of knowing I am never alone, no matter where I am.

Wedding planning is coming along smoothly as well. Save the Dates are in envelopes and ready to be sent out. Deposits have been paid. I couldn't thank my lovely lovely Emily enough for her tireless love and support. Bless her for humoring me in hour-long conversations on wedding photographers and color schemes. I'd be lost without her. But really, what else is a bestest friend for? HAH! And David has endured the same, only more often and in person. Bless him, too. <3

Secretly, I'm missing school just a little these days. As talks of my friends going to grad school come up, I think back to my jam-packed days of papers and deadlines and lectures. I miss being held to a standard--whether it was personal or based on a syllabus. I miss turning in work and getting it back with a grade on it, with feedback. I miss "you can do better, so do it" and "incredible writing, here." I miss As and Bs that reinforced the idea that hard work pays off, that it was all worth it.

I used to move at lightening speeds. My brain worked more sharply, spouting off answers and ideas. My fingers struck the keys more quickly, moving as if imaginary tigers chased after them. My feet were blurred in a constant state of motion, dashing up & down, here & there. Like lightening, I felt electric and just as important. These days, I'm a slow bug. Rather than nimble, I feel wide and lazy--a too-full glass of water. I feel so uninspired, so content to just sit and shake my head rather than jump and shout and pound my fists. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't see the sun most days.

My normal annoyances remain: Carrie Prejan, et al., my job, stomach chub, having to defrost frozen meat and never having the money to, well, DO anything.

My normal obsessions remain: David's face, my puppy, babies, weddings, $1 bills, books and guacamole.

Still want to move to a remote island and live of the "fatta tha land." Still want to eliminate hunger and homelessness and divorce and sadness and disappointment. It seems little has changed, yet everything always does. And no matter how hard you try to keep it all at bay: your hair is turning gray, new rumors are being spread about the President, someone doesn't love someone else anymore and you're long overdue for an oil change.

3 comments:

David Dangelico said...

Excellent writing here. A+

linsoosoo said...

oh my god. this is the best one. mark boren would love this.

Emily said...

I was listening to the RENT soundtrack when I read this. DRAMATIC.

In other news, you are still a phenomenal writer. The passing of time and lack of motivation we all experience cannot and will not change that. Write when you can. When you do, know there's at least one person (and probably two or even twenty) who will read your work and be thrilled to hear what you have to say.

I love you.