What If...

Today I had an ultrasound of my throat/thyroid and I found out that there are no growths (nodules) on my thyroid that would imply cancer, therein: surgery. Praise God, right?! In a strange, dramatic way, I feel like I just escaped a death sentence! I cheated death by a hair! ...when, in reality, I was never facing imminent death in the first place.

The time spent awaiting diagnosis can be a scary time, though. The face can maintain the look of calm, while inside you are anything but composed. You are frantic, desperate, scared, wired, exhausted, hopeful, discouraged. A strange mixture of emotions to juggle.

I'm still not exactly sure what's wrong; I'll find that out (hopefully) on Thursday. Until then, there will be more nerves—though less-severe—difficulty concentrating, lots of time spent "off in space." And also this:

If I had not in fact "cheated death" today, and had somehow, in an amazingly speedy and impossible way, found out that I was dying of cancer in ______ days, I would do following:

• I would speed—at least 15 over the speed limit—to the ole work place where I would burst through the doors, singing the liberal rally cry "Working On a Dream" by Bruce Springsteen—Oh, you didn't know that? Well, yeah—and then I would stand on top of my desk screaming "I'm leaving, and I'm taking Danielle with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and P to the S: I heart GUN CONTROL." Then I would grab Danielle by the arm, and also my computer because in this world I am a daring robber, and we would dash out of the building while "Brooklyn's Finest" by Jay-Z and Biggie rang out behind us.
• I would drive to Wilmington and fill a tub with pad thai from Indochine and eat until near-death, and then head over to The Little Dipper and dip miniature pastries and bite-size fruit into chocolate until my heart almost stops. Lots of wine is inferred here.
• I would call Sallie Mae up, give them my account number and all and TELL.THOSE.ARSES.OFF. Once and for all. "You are dirty, rotten, scoundrels and you deserve a slow, painful death!!!!" (That is just an excerpt of my very effective speech.)
• I would IMMEDIATELY go get a Pixie cut, and then call Lin and squeal about it for about 15 minutes, and then probably tell her to come over.
• I would lay in bed for at least 3 days rolling around with the pups, letting them lick my face with as many kisses as they wanted.
• I would have a FULL-FATTY Caramel Macchiato and a toasted everything bagel with regular cream cheese for breakfast every morning.
• I would drive up to visit Shauni and Al whenever I wanted to. (A bagillion miles?! NO PROBLEM.)
• I would hold David's hand a lot more than I do which is not a lot.
• I would be "up in the bed" with Emily watching Say Yes to the Dress and eating cookies until the sun came up.
• I would be rapping with Aidy Mac, as his YouTube career takes off.
• I would color with crayons.
• I would be brave enough to tell the people I love that they deserve better.
• I would throw an embarrassing number of parties in my own honor, dance parties WITH KARAOKE
• I would make my first and only pair of jorts and wear them proudly.
• I would get an AmEx and take everyone I know on a shopping trip.
• I would get on a plane without an itinerary, just go and figure it out when I get there.
• I would eat McSkillet burritos without shame.
• I would register for a marathon and walk/juggle the whole thing.
• I would dye my hair blonde, then red, then maybe green.
• I would play with babies.
• I would take voice lessons, and then have a concert, making it open to the public. I would then perform a variety of ballads, golden oldies from Celine Deon, Mariah Carey and Diana Ross, and even new hits from Katy Perry, Beyonce and Rhianna.
• I would sit in one room with my siblings as we all shouted and interrupted and talked over each other, as is our signature, and I would not feel bad about it or even loud.
• I would take my mom to get a massage, and buy my dad something nice.
• I would write a novel, poignant and rambling and devastating and hopeful, and I would dedicate it to everyone in the whole wide world.
• I would find a way to hug Barack Obama. And Michelle and the girls, too.

On second thought, maybe I would like to rewind, go back to that small, dark office and get different results. Riskier ones, scarier ones that would push me to my Type-A limit, causing me to spring off of the ledge on a moment's notice, plunge myself into free fall. And for once—just see what happens.