Monday, June 6, 2011

A Certain Kind of Woman

I want to be a certain kind of woman...
A brilliant writer of the female experience, a confident & successful actress, a powerful musician & role model, a wise & respected actress/activist

I want to be innovative, sensitive, adventurous, gutsy, confident, admired, respected. I want to be the master of something, or many things. I want to plant a flag into the soft, dark earth and proclaim a small patch of it as mine. I want to be great.

I do not, on the other hand, in any sense of the word(s) want to be the kind of woman who...

*...fantasizes about all of the food that she is too guilty to eat. Like french toast. And almost wrecks her car as she daydreams of this amazingly delectable and delicious french toast topped with a dash of powered sugar and DRENCHED in syrup—the woman, at this time, would like to share that she doesn't like anything drenched ever, but in this fantasy she was to be swimming in syrup—then, for good measure, topped with some fresh cut strawberries from the garden that this woman would most definitely have a green thumb for.

* so ridiculously OCD about putting on sunscreen, in order to avoid the horribleness of skin cancer, that she somehow forgets to apply any onto her stomach for a day of sunbathing and now sits with a fluorescent-colored tummy and is now probably 70 times more likely to get skin cancer on her stomach. And, in case you were wondering, no, a red stomach is not like tan-ness that gives that sort-of kind-of look like you have the beginning of something that closely resembles abs. Red just makes you look like Santa in the off-season.

*...gets painful pimples that are so sensitive they send shooting pains across this woman's forehead if they are touched at all. Especially because this woman is no longer 16.

*...obsesses over whether or not the coworkers that see her exercising on her lunch break—in the dark and dingy, perfect-spot-for-a-mugging underground garage—thinks she is indeed crazy, or a car-jacker or just a fume huffer, instead of focusing on pumping her arms or speeding up her power walk or wearing proper footwear instead of dress flats or wedge heels to go walking. Maybe she should be worrying about her foot and ankle health before anything else.

* "that person" who can always "see where so and so is coming from," in a disagreement between two other people. Even when she obviously does not agree with so and so, and most certainly when so and so is opposing the woman's husband, who the woman loves and supports and believes 99.9 percent of the time. There is something in this woman's genetic makeup that, while she is secretly just as catty and judgmental as the rest, causes her to want make everything all right, to smooth things out, level the playing field. Just call her "The Great(ly annoying) Equalizer."

*...can sometimes, though she hate hate hates to admit it, be fake. And doesn't speak her mind, especially when she has been wronged and deserves to speak up.

*...secretly stops at McDonalds from time to time to grab a quick breakfast or snack when no one is watching; and also thinks that M&M McFlurries, while she knows they are disgusting, are absolutely delicious.

*...drowns out her husbands voice when he is telling her about this new ___________ (film, movie, comic, TV show, political fight) and disappears into iPhone world and then, when he gets upset, tells him he is "being ridiculous." And also tells him to get off of his phone "and talk to me" all of the time.

*...dreams entirely TOO FREQUENTLY about an unnamed actor who is 6-foot-1 and has curly hair and an accent and who you can tell is really nice and really thoughtful and a passionate lover... :-X

*...covets four delicious hours spent on the couch eating knock-off Chex mix, watching The Real Housewives of OC in her silk robe. Yes, silk. It may/may not say Bride in bedazzled, rhinestone splendor on the back, too. This woman is classy.

*...has this conversation 2 minutes ago with her husband: *talking about iCloud* holy. crap. they are upgrading the quality to all of your music
when it enters the cloud

me: hahahaha sweetie you are cute seriously honey, this is huge


*...if she had to be honest with herself, knows that the friend that she talks to the most on a daily basis is an internet friend/granny who she loves very dearly but has met face-to-face only one time. And is vacationing with said granny this September. (This she is totally a-OK with.)

*...feels secure when she has a mere $100 in the bank.

*...thinks being a vegetarian sounds fabulous but loves meat too much.

*...never listened to her mother when she said don't pop pimples, it will leave a scar.

*...never listened to her mother when she said don't pluck gray hairs, more will come to its funeral.

*...may or may not be dreaming right this very moment about a a hot, steaming plate of pad thai with chicken, not too sweet, not to spicy, that is sprinkled with lightly salted peanuts and served on a dainty, floral China bowl that the woman wants to eat almost as much as the food itself. Also she may or may not have had to smack herself and wipe the drool from her mouth three to four times before she could proceed with this post.

Is there hope for this little old fool? Please submit your answers in writing so I can pass it on to my dear dear friend that I am writing about above but who I certainly do not know very well since I am very bright, stable and well-adjusted but who, since I am a God-fearing woman, I am going to help. That is, if you can help me. I mean her.

P.S.: And don't we all, even us well-adjusted dames, want to be a woman like Karen O?

1 comment:

Erin Seabolt Bond said...

Gah! I love you! :) There's hope for us both, I think. We can be great and well-adjusted in our 40s.