All My Soldiers Are Painted

I didn't know what to write about today so David pushed me to write about a band that has had a great influence on us individually and as a couple.

I didn't know Pavement existed before I met David, but it wasn't long after we met that I started listening to their music regularly. "Gold Soundz" is the first song I remember loving. Then it was "Grounded" and "Painted Soldiers." It was unlike anything I'd ever heard before. Stephen Malkmus' talk-y singing and high-pitched voice both attracted me and bothered me, right off the bat. (Mirroring my feelings for David - ha!) There was so much comfort in the music, in addition to the pain, and humor, and confusion. The college years were a lot of those feelings for me, as I'm sure it was for everyone.

During our first year of dating, we stumbled upon "Love Is a Mixtape," a book by well-known journalist-turned-music reviewer Rob Sheffield. It is a memoir of his early life and the two great loves of his life: music and his late wife. Their love was so authentic and tangible, and music was the thread that tied them together. As it was the 80s and 90s when they met, they would make mix tapes for one another, with hits from their wonky mainstream or indie favorites, including Pavement, that communicated their love and fear. Before David even asked me out (the first time), he began making me mix CDs. It was his thing for a while. I can still remember every track on the mix he made me before I left for France for the summer in 2007. We had only been dating a few months when I left so you can imagine it was all very dramatic. David has never been a super Mr. Romantic but music has always been his love letter to me. And reading how it was the same for another couple was so soothing. We were obsessed. We shared it with all of our friends, who in turn became equally obsessed. We read it over and over. The book only made my love for the band grow.

Now, after seven years together, whenever I heard a Pavement song, I immediately think of David and feel like someone is squeezing my heart so hard it might burst. I wouldn't name it as my favorite band necessarily, but it just might be the record collection I'd bring with me if I was going to be an island castaway. It's the perfect soundtrack for the haphazard and absurd nature of life itself.

The songs are all over the place, erratic and full of emotion, at once impossible to get through and also something you just can't turn off - the lyrics and melodies lingering in your head long after the music has faded. That weird comfort you can't live without.

///

Blind date with the chancer
We had oysters and dry lancers
When the check arrived we went dutch, dutch, dutch, dutch
A redder shade of neck on a whiter shade of trash
And this emory board is giving me a rash
I'm flat out
You're so beautiful to look at when you cry
Freeze, don't move
You've been chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation
Of the sequel to your life.

A shady lane -- everybody wants one
A shady lane -- everybody needs one
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god
Oh my god, oh your god, oh his god, over god
It's everybody's god, it's everybodys god, it's everybodys god, it's
Everybody's god
The worlds collide, but all that we want is a shady lane

-"Shady Lane," Stephen Malkmus

///

xo,
L

Day 7: Summer Reading List

One of the things I miss most about being in school (trust me, there is actually very little I miss) is the required reading (and writing). Each year, if you wanted to pass AP English or Intro to British Literature or (incredibly enough) Study of the American Food Memoir, you had to read a litany of books - sometimes more than seemed humanly possible - and write papers on said books.

In high school, much weight was placed on the summer reading list. For my district, that was a list of 30 to 50ish classics from which you had to chose eight to 12 over the course of the summer. Now that I think about it, that's a lot a books to read in less than three months for a nonreader. I am, and have always been, a big reader and also a pretty fast reader. But I'm sure that is tough for kids who aren't big on reading, and also is probably the reason things like Spark Notes exist. (Wait, do they still exist? Is there a need for Spark Notes in the internet age?)

I digress. As much of a challenge or a piece of a cake it was (autocorrect just change 'cake' to 'kale.' Coincidence? I think not!) I miss being FORCED to read books that pushed the envelope, or expanded my mind, or brought the great big world into better focus. Even the books that I hated (see: most of the reading list for the History of Human Bondage lit course I took in college) had an effect on me, molding and defining my interests in the world of literature and life itself.

So given the sort of "Back to Basics" kick I'm currently on, I've decided to hash out a rough reading list of 10ish books for this summer and challenge myself to knock out each one by summer's end. As you may know (and mentioned above) I am a big reader, but I'm not typically working from a list or recommendations. It tends to happen organically, and tends to ebb and flow. For example, I read 18 or so books last year - sometimes three in one month then nothing for a while. Hopefully this helps keep me reading regularly!

I have a few titles to start but I would welcome any and all book recommendations you might have to share! I like everything. Last year's reads spanned graphic novels, sci-fi, political thrillers, chick/mommy lit, poetry, self help, and more.

What's a great book you recommend and why? 

Now, in no particular order...

The Great Summer Reading List of 2014:

1. "The Divide: American Injustice in the Age of the Wealth Gap" by Matt Taibbi
Fascinating and very scary topic - heard him speak about it on Bill Maher's show.

2. "The Lowland" by Jhumpa Lahiri
The newest from my gal has been on my shelf since Christmas. Time to check it out. Also heard her read from any early draft in DC a few years ago!

3. "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
I was so sad to hear of his passing and committed to reading this as soon as I heard. "One Hundred Years of Solitude" had a profound impact on me as a young reader and I've always wanted to read this one. Also file under one of the greatest titles of all time. Can I get an amen? 

4. "The Most of Nora Ephron"
Nuff said. 

5. "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte
Re-reading this incredible masterpiece because it is an incredible masterpiece! 

6. "The Fortress of Solitude" by Jonathan Lethem
From one of the last Borders' fire sales. 

7... And on, TBD! (I am curious about Hil's book "Hard Choices," released in early June, and Diane Keaton's "Let's Just Say It Wasn't Pretty.)

Now it's your turn, share away!

xo,
L

Day 6: In a Saturday Minute

I'm too tired to write a real post - it's past 10 on a Saturday night and I just remembered I haven't written today.

Stream of consciousness post, coming at 'ya:

It's really cute to me that so many people go home for Easter. I think I used to think it was just a southern thing, but it seems like it's common all over the place. I love ham and painting eggs. I probably won't do either tomorrow.

///

I just saw "Frozen" for the first time tonight! Usually I am annoyingly (unintentionally) contrarian about crazes but I really enjoyed it. A big part of that was likely that I was watching it with my 7-year-old sister, who was giggling the whole time and so happy to be watching it for the 11th time. I loved that the heroine was so brave, independent, and just wanted to experience human connection. Not that that's necessarily a new thing for Disney movies - see "Beauty and the Beast," and "Mulan," etc. etc. Honestly, the song "Let It Go" wasn't as catchy as I thought it would be. The snowman's little feet were my favorite part. I also loved the girls' white hair (I am weird) but it reminded me of beautiful Lavonne Adams, for all my UNCW peeps.

///

Last night we saw The War on Drugs in D.C. - it was an absolute blast but we didn't get to bed until almost 3 a.m. As a result, I've been a bit of a zombie all day. It is always such a treat seeing bands live with David. Concerts have been such a huge part of our relationship since day one. The first conversation we ever had was about a concert. The first concert we ever went to was Yo La Tango at the Cat's Cradle in Carboro, North Carolina. We drove up from Wilmington, newly infatuated with each other, when everything was nerve-wracking and exciting and secretive still. Over the years we've seen Radiohead, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, and many of our favorites. I hope we always find the time to go see bands together, now so much more comfortable standing side-by-side in the audience, swaying gently to the rhythm of music we both love so much.

Sweet dreams!

xo,
L

Day 5: 11 Things

If you're reading my recent blog resurgence and wondering why it sounds like I'm still 'finding myself,' it's because I still am! I think that is pretty normal for mid- to late-ish 20s (yikes!). But I find it pertinent to share that I also was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease within the past three years that helped explain why I have been SO EXHAUSTED my whole life. Read more here. Since getting on daily medication (and also making some dietary changes due to allergies/sensitivities/general healthfulness, etc) I am feeling a whole hell of a lot better lately.

Actually, I feel like a whole new person these days - sort of.

And part of that whole experience is: Look, I can stay up past 10 p.m.! Look, I can think somewhat clearly! Look, social situations do not put me in a state of panic! Look, not everything makes me feel overwhelmed anymore!

It has been wonderful 'getting back to myself,' but it's a little scary, too. Sometimes I worry that I spent the first 22 years of my life on 'coast,' barely able to get through the day let alone LIVE IT UP as a wild, young thing. In fact, I know that I didn't - and wasn't able to - enjoy my youth as much as I should have, or as others did. But that's OK. I'm alive now, aren't I? And there is still plenty of living left in me.

It's nothing at all like having a serious, terminal illness but in a way the whole situation has helped give me some much-needed perspective on a few things, which I will share with you now:

1. How lucky I am be alive!
2. Woah, life is short and goes by so quickly!
3.You should definitely GO SKYDIVING for your 25th birthday or you never will!
4. You should never turn down a free trip - anywhere!
5. Sleeping is amazing but isn't everything - eventually, you will get caught up (when you die).
6. If you can't 'be you,' while you do it, it's probably not the right thing for you.
7. The ends of movies are often very interesting and it's fun to be able to stay awake long enough to watch them!
8. People have a lot of love to give if you make the effort to reach out and be present with them.
9. Even the things that feel THE MOST SERIOUS in life can be remedied (or at least made easier) with laughter. No matter what's going on, there is always a way through, you just have to find it.
10. Life is give and take - for example my meds clear my head but also give me a terrible memory (cloud brain) at times. You give everything you have to give and take what you can get and make the best of it (even when you just want to whine about it).
11. Marriage is one of the absolute best and HARDEST things ever. They don't tell you that up front (read this article by Momastery). This hard and holy 'love forging' with David over the past seven years has been my all-time best work, - our life's masterpiece. It requires a lot of energy and trust and fear and courage and a good sense of humor and a willingness to SHOW UP, every day, no matter what. This actually applies to all REAL relationships - hard work, folks.

Thank you for bearing with me in this sort of quarter-life-crisis-y thing that's going on with me right now. We'll figure it all out together - or at least have fun doing it!

Love you all!

xo,
L

Day 4: Motivation

Greetings earthlings: If you are just joining the conversation, I've challenged myself to 30 days of blogging in an effort to force myself to write e'ry day. Check out Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 or just forget the whole thing and start here.
 
A client just called a moment ago, his voice full of dread.

"I haaaate to do this to you," he said.

I took a breath.

"We need to scrap the May/June cover," he said. "A bar of soap doesn't work for the environmental services piece. They discourage using bar soap in hospitals because they can be hotbeds for germs. I didn't realize. I'm soooo sorry."

I took another breath and shivered at the thought of a germ-y hotbed.

It's no big deal, I explained to him, and hung up the phone with an exaggerated sigh before skipping down the hall to my designer's office.

"Uh oh," she said, her eyes widening. "You have that look."

>>>

Lately I've been asked this question a lot:

What motivates you? 

And I think: Honestly? Honestly, it's the promise of pure, unadulterated laziness that really gets me going. For example, last night I speed-walked the dogs, knowing full well I had four hours of delicious 'me time' (plus gelato and comfy pants) ahead of me. We made it around that loop in RECORD time, I assure you.

As I always say: With gelato and sweatpants, all the things can be done. But when it comes to the big stuff - personal goals, self improvement, work, etc. - I am still figuring out that one thing that really lights a fire under my arse. That is to say, I believe myself to be a driven, productive, and (sometimes) upbeat person. How I get from gelato and sweatpants to accomplishing anything by the end of the day is beyond me.

moto - va - tion

Mulling the word over in my head just now, I suddenly thought:

Self: Hey dummy! You just hung up the phone and you got that feeling. You know, the ONE.

I played coy with myself for a minute.  

Self: You know the ONE that gives you chilly, invisible goosebumps and makes your feet kick out a little bit as you march down the hallway!!!!!

Oh, that. Sometimes I get so lost in the daily execution of tasks and emotions and transfers of information that I forget that spark you can feel, snapping you right out of auto-pilot. Grab the wheel!

I've never thought of myself as a competitive person, but I do LOVE a challenge - like that of a client ripping up a cover right before we go to press. That feeling of: time to dig in; batten down the hatches, people; hold on, we can do this; heave-ho! I love the thrill of the juggling that inevitably comes with it: bending and reaching my limbs, overextending, then back again - keeping everything up in the air and moving - correcting the course at moment's notice, bringing it all back to a steady rhythm again.

Movement, I've gotta have it. I can't stand slow talking, moving, thinking, or driving. There is a time and place for slow time (see: home/gelato/sweatpants time), but the rest of it is go time. On-your-toes time. I sort of live by the belief that if I'm swerving, or reaching out, or darting to the side, or (if you know we me well) tripping or stumbling, anything other than standing still, I'm going to figure this this thing out.

Forward movement - progress - a second attempt - a door closing, another opening - a new day - an unexpected turn you take because you don't have another option and maybe because it just feels right in the moment: For me, that's IT.

Perhaps it's the going that keeps me going.

xo,
L

Day 3: From the Job Hunt Files

I almost just started another post with "Crap, you guys." Aren't you glad I'm so articulate?

I spent three or more hours out of the office this afternoon so I've got to be quick. All I needed to share with you is:

Holy crap. I think I just met the female Wolf of Wall Street - er, temping. While in the office "helping me find work," those recruiters recruited the SH*T out of me for a sales position with their company. Lovely to see so much (if any) potential in me; scary at how intense SALES people can be. I don't know how many more "work hard, play hard," quasi-parables, and six-figure salary name drops I could take.

Yeesh.

Sure, I walked out of there with dollar signs in my eyes, but then I woke up.

I learned a lesson today. (Unless I become very, very, very desperate) I would not be a good fit for sales. I don't have the pushiness for it. I (surprisingly) don't have the ability to talk that long without breath. Also my skin is far too greasy to be on the telephone all day.

http://static.guim.co.uk

Like Leo, if I took that job, I'd just be playing a role. And that's not really what I'm looking for. So check that baby off the list.

Oh, and TOMORROW I promise to talk about something non-work related (maybe).

P.S.: Shout out to some new-ish blog readers, some of whom are undoubtedly making fun of my hair right now. I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU, fools.

xo,
L

Editor's note: Much love and respect to all my peoples who are kick-ass salespeople every day o' the week. Keep doing you. xoxo

Day 2: What Would I Do?

In yesterday's post I inadvertently posed a question to (all of my many thousands of) readers:

What would you do if you could do anything?

I guess in a strange (and rather formatted) way, I was talking to myself, but then something beautiful happened. A few people commented with their answers. I got a few texts about it. A friend told me she thought about it as she fell asleep last night.

Even more lovely than taking a moment to share your thoughts and dreams with a friend was hearing and being reminded that we all have dreams. And we all have things we would rather be doing at this moment in time. We would rather be sprinting down an empty beach than standing elbows-deep in soapy water doing dishes. We would rather be piloting a tiny plane up through the cloud cover than filing our taxes. We would rather be laughing than weeping. We would rather be eating cake than our low-calorie rice cake - 'nuff said.

So thank you to everyone who shared, and even those who didn't share but thought a little extra about their own dreams and hopes as a result of reading my post. For some reason that made me feel so warm and connected.

///

Short commercial break to talk about DIFFERENCES.

Differences are wonderful and they exist all around us.

For example, my dear sister commented on this post something to the effect of "If I could do anything I'd [do something incredibly humble and kind] but if I had to have a 'real job' I'd open my own gym."

!!!! WOW. The mother load of differences existing right here inside my family circle.

If I could do anything, I would ERASE exercise (especially running, especially fast), and we would all just be healthy and active in our own ways and our bodies would react perfectly. Poof! Exercise no longer exists. That's it. After that I would just bask in the non-existance of crap-I-didn't-work-out-again guilt all day long, maybe getting a tan.

Isn't it great how we are so unique and spectacular in our own unique and spectacular ways?

///

So I've got to tell you that hearing your If I could do anythings really inspired me and helped getting the wheels turning on my own dreams.

We established yesterday that I don't know much, but here's what I do know:

I would be living near the serene ocean, but not far from the city.
I would own my own publishing firm producing books and mags and other media.
I would have office dogs - all dogs are welcome.
I would work over a quaint coffee shop that makes the best lattes.
I would have lunch with David every day!!!
I would work long hours and eat Chinese food out of the little containers with chopsticks at my desk on occasion.
I would travel once a month for work/pleasure.
I would donate books and magazines to local schools and start an after school mentoring/literacy program.
I would come home every night with red palms from hours of proofreading.
I would spend too long with every manuscript. 
I would publish my friends' great work.
I would (eventually) have a few children who would hang around the office in bean bag chairs.
I would have my whole family over to my house for chaotic and amazing holidays.
I would feel full, as often as possible.

That's as far as I've gotten. I would love to hear some of your dreams in the comments - big or small. All are welcome here.

xo,
L